When we examine the word etymology for relationship, it states a relationship is a sense or state of being related by KINDRED, affinity (relation by marriage or neighborhood vicinity), or other alliance.
As one can see, having healthy relationships is a vital part of our existence as human beings. We desire love, genuine and heartfelt connections, harmony, and compatibility. We generally enjoy reciprocating some sort of valuable interaction with others on a familial basis, especially when we are operating from a healed space.
A relation-ship is a connection that is designed to take you to new, exciting places! A ship is a LARGE vessel designed to transport people by sea. Imagine traveling on a cruise ship. You have an expectation that the voyage will be fun, thought-provoking, enjoyable, and PEACEFUL. Right?
This is how relationships (platonic or intimate) should feel! Sure, as humans, we will have our disturbances and/or occasional disagreements. But, overall the connection should exhibit healthy and respectful communion.
I go more in depth on previous blog posts, Do you have a circle of Fiends or KINDred spirits? and The top 4 signs of a true soulmate. Be sure to check those out if you haven’t already.
If you’re familiar with my writings, then you know I am big on word etymology and definitions!
This post will be extremely definitive, because I want to be very clear of what I am describing in terms of what should be considered in relationships.
Often, that is the main hiccup with connections. We have an idea in our head of what something means based on our life experience or lack therof. So, we must realize that just because we are familiar with a particular style of relating to others, it doesn’t make it correct or healthy.
Most of us have little to no relationship experience outside of family! Family will put up with your sometimey ways out of familiarity and because of blood ties. (I’m the exception to this rule of thumb, because I will cut any tie irregardless of blood or familial bonds. But that’s another blog post for another time!)
When we get outside of those lines, we must realize that others aren’t obligated to connect with us in the same way that family has and they DO NOT HAVE TO accept our immaturity, lack of regard, or inconsistency in relationships.
When we examine what concepts truly mean by looking at the etymology, we can really grasp what it means in relationship and it sets us up for successful long-term connections.
So now that we are somewhat attuned to what a healthy relationship looks like, let’s go over 5 surefire signs that a connection has run its course and it may be time to cut ties!
1. Lack of Respect
As Ms. Aretha Franklin put it plainly….
The word respect is derived from the Latin word respicere, which means to look back at, regard, or consider. The root *spek* means to observe. So when we put it all together, the definition of respect is the due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.
Now, this is the number one clue for a reason! If a relationship has no respect, then it is already dead. You won’t even need to resuscitate anything. Let it go.
Because if a person lacks the ability to regard your feelings, your wishes, your rights, or your traditions, then you are setting yourself up for a connection with no boundaries, emotional instability, and zero concern for your sacred customs and traditions, which is a direct disregard for your sense of belonging and connection with your environment. Just be prepared to lie on a track and be ran over by a train, because that’s exactly what it’s going to feel like for the duration of this connection!
If there is no respect in a relationship, then there isn’t any other reasonable expectations for it. You’re guaranteed to be violated and disregarded time and time again!
Furthermore, if a relationship involves verbal, mental, and/or physical abuse..it is ABSOLUTELY without a shadow of doubt time to cut that connection as soon as possible. Your physical and mental wellbeing is not worth waiting around for someone to figure it out. Your life is precious and you were not placed in this world to be abused or repetitively harmed.
As a former Sexual Assault Victim Advocate and Domestic Abuse Victim Advocate, I encourage you to please seek help from a psychotherapist and other professional who can help you navigate out of an abusive relationship in a safe manner.
2. Extreme One-sidedness
If you feel like you jump over hurdles to connect with this person more than they do for you….yeah, it’s a sign that they’re just not that interested in you as a person.
A lot of times, we fight sooooo hard to keep a connection alive, especially if we have fond childhood memories with a person. But, in order to keep yourself from heartache, it’s important to evaluate where you currently stand with that person.
Humans always make time, room, and space for things that they VALUE. I’m telling you, a person could work 50 hours a week and STILL make time for their significant other, because they value their presence. Or one could work long hours and still make room for educational courses if they know that future career path will align them with the income they so desperately require!
So, don’t get it twisted and don’t be confused. Humans will SHOW YOU more with their actions how they really feel about you.
If they only connect when it’s convenient for them and they never really ask you what time is convenient for you, that’s a clue!
If they rarely return phone calls or text messages, that’s a MAJOR clue!
If you find yourself always reaching out to them or you go above and beyond to track them down and they respond nonchalantly as if you weren’t missed, desired, or thought of, and you’re disrupting their life, then that’s also a major clue!! These are all signs of extreme one-sidedness.
If they are consistently unavailable for YOU, then that means they do not see your presence in their life as a commodity. You aren’t resourceful for them. And guess what? That’s okay!!
We won’t always fit onto a person’s list of necessities. Maybe our lifestyle or skills don’t really fit into another person’s outlook for their life. That’s okay to recognize! We want to be placed in environments where our skills and abilities can be put to use, right?
Connections where there is shared reciprocity of ideas, talents, and skills are extremely pleasurable! You’re always growing and excelling! Your voice, your wisdom, your intellect and everything else will flourish in places where it’s needed.
So, if you’re unable to fully exemplify your purpose, then why would you want to remain in a connection that requires you to be partial or mediocre? Fight for the connections that ADD value to your life and starve the connections that require you to diminish your light.
And that brings us to the next clue…
3. Little to no Compatibility
In a previous post, I don’t want to be your friend anymore…, I describe how we sometimes connect with others conditionally. We connect with others based on religious or organizational affiliation and we call these people our FriEND.
We often find that these friendships END once the affiliation ends and that’s because there was really no soul connection there to begin with! You weren’t connecting with people based on their authentic identity. You were connecting with them based on a title or sometimes even trauma bonds.
When you have genuine compatibility with people, those connections are based on kindred bonds. You are most likely connecting with a person’s spirit and not their egoic self. The core essence of who you are complements another person’s soul. It doesn’t mean you have to be EXACTLY ALIKE. However, there is balance and harmony in the connection.
How do we know when we are compatible with someone? Easy. The definition for compatibility is two words.. PEACEFUL EXISTENCE.
Related words to compatibility are: amity (kindly concern, interest, or support), civility, benevolence, kindness, empathy (the feeling that you understand and share another person’s experiences and emotions), and harmony.
Some energies that would be the OPPOSITE of peaceful existence are: disfavor, animosity, enmity (a deep-seated ill will), hostility, and malice.
If you find that this connection is disruptive to your peace, dysfunctional, hurtful, unloving, or overall toxic, then there’s a high probability that you are incompatible with this person. You’re like oil and water.
4. Little to NO Interest in You Personally or Professionally
The way my husband’s Mom knew he was serious about me was when she asked him what was my middle name and he knew it!!
Listen, if a person doesn’t care to know your middle name, your favorite color, your favorite tv show, your favorite food, or anything else along those lines, then they truly do not care to know you!
Someone who is interested in you will SHOW INTEREST in you! They will ask a million questions, because they are curious about who you are, how you are, and WHY you are the way you are. It’s that simple.
It is scientifically shown that a person’s brain is not fully developed until the age of 25, but sometimes as late as 30. Any actions done before that time is largely based in impulsivity. So, let’s use that as a reference with this bullet.
If a person is able to think critically, perform reasoning, planning, judgment, and impulse control yet they lack conversation, meaning they aren’t interested in exchanging sentiments, observations, or ideas with YOU…that’s a clue boo!!
Most humans know how to interact! But the tea is, humans only care to interact with those in whom they find an affinity!
When a person truly desires connection, they want you to feel honored and supported. So, if you are an entrepreneur and the other person is not interested in supporting your business or any future endeavors, financially or socially, then that’s a major clue. If they never even ask you what you do for a living or care to know what your life purpose is, that’s a clue!
It’s a clue that this connection won’t serve any real purpose in your life and you may only gain temporary pleasure that will cost you a lifetime of hurt and shame. And I think you know what I mean here.
If a person is not interested in your MIND, then they shouldn’t have any of your time and definitely shouldn’t be sharing ANY of your body! That sexual exchange for the moment MAY lead you down a road of single motherhood, guilt, and shame if that person was already involved in a serious relationship and you disregarded it to suit your lusts. Go where you are desired MORE than just for your body or sexual talents. Save that for someone who will protect your heart and your body.
Oh YES I do have a blog post in the queue for this as well, entitled “The Power of the D and the Power of the P. Let’s talk about Sacred Sexuality!”
So, sign up below for updates!
5. Poor Communication Skills
Communication is defined as the imparting or exchanging of information or news. It means to make common or to talk intimately.
After 12 years of union with my husband, trust me when I say communication is the yin to respect and it is the oil that keeps the engine running smoothly!
If you are unable to communicate your needs, wishes, expectations, childhood past, other experiences, etc. , to a person, then just throw the whole connection in the trash, because it won’t work!
Some of us aren’t mind readers. And even for those who are skilled at reading minds, they get it wrong at least 65% of the time by my own calculation! Lol!
If we want to relay information to a person so that they can actually have a fair chance to meet our needs, we must communicate.
Now, I saved this for last, because this is a factor that is not a major deal breaker. And the reason why is because we all suck at communicating sometimes, especially if you run your own business AND have a family to tend to. We shouldn’t automatically cross someone off just because the communication is staticky. We can actually fix this.
However, if you find yourself having to remind someone over and over again to effectively communicate with you when plans are not able to be kept or if feelings change, then that is a serious red flag. This falls under the guidelines of respect. This person either lacks empathy or they are just way too busy to have space for a kindred connection, as stated previously.
If a person has a genuine regard for your time, your triggers, and your values, then they will make a mental note of what they must do to help you feel secure within that relationship, as security IS a fundamental factor in any relationship. One must feel safe with their feelings and the connection must not pose a threat to our overall safety.
For example, let’s just say you were vulnerable enough to tell the other person that it is extremely triggering for them to make plans with you and not follow through, because you had an absent parent who would make promises and never show up for you. Let’s just say this is a wound that still needs to be healed, so you require others to alert you when plans are going to change so that you aren’t putting yourself in a space to be disappointed time and time again.
If this person can NEVER seem to keep their end of the deal, then honey they don’t really respect you or your time! And they d@#m sure could care less about your precious human experiences and will probably add more trauma to your life than benevolence.
Understand that it is not someone’s obligation to tiptoe around your wounds as to not offend you or cause harm. However, any person that truly values you and cares to see you in a well state at all times will make a genuine effort to not cause more harm to your mental health. Anyone who has gained maturity and discipline should know how to effectively communicate with you to make sure there are no misunderstandings. It’s called accountability.
If they can call their job to let their boss know they will be late or absent in order to secure/maintain financial stability, then they can call you to let you know when plans have changed in order to maintain a healthy relationship. And if they don’t know how, then it is their responsibility to learn how to communicate effectively or you can just cut them off and release the agony.
They can also communicate to let you know when certain dynamics have changed and the relationship is no longer warranted or desired. Most times, you will intuitively know when a person wants to let the connection go, because you’ll be searching for posts like this on Google or Duck Duck Go! If you had to search for evidence of what you already felt within, then THAT IS ALL THE EVIDENCE YOU NEED!
If any of the above 5 clues apply to a person after you have effectively communicated these requirements to them, then it may be time to cut ties.
Cutting ties does not make you more majestic than the other person nor does it mean the disconnection has to be done with ill intent. It just simply means you are willing to go with the flow of life rather than continue to create friction and resistance in connections.
We each have our own timing with mastering certain skills during our journey. Sometimes we learn things at a faster rate than others and some life skills take a little more time. It all depends on a person’s upbringing, morals, and personal values. We don’t all consider the same things when it comes to connections and a person may not have to work that hard to remain in the connections they’re currently in.
Conditional connections based on affiliation and titles are super easy and don’t require much work to keep it together! But, soulmate or kindred connections DO require more. It involves taking the time to ask questions to get a know a person’s interests, desires, aspirations, feelings, goals, triggers, etc. This takes time and energy! And because we live in a world that values MONEY OVER CONNECTION and promotes addictive behaviors, don’t be surprised if you come across people who just aren’t really interested in you as a whole person. They may be more so interested in being a Fiend or Friend than a Kindred Spirit. This is sometimes due to a person experiencing hurt as well and they’re afraid to really invest any time in heartfelt connections because they’re afraid of getting hurt again.
We must keep in mind that it can be selfish of us to require something from someone who is incapable of meeting certain needs. Maybe they have a ton of growth and healing in that department that will take some time for them to master. And you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to wait around for them to get it together or if it’s best to put some distance in between you two to give yourself space to grow and maybe some day, if it’s meant to be, it will find its way back.
But, dont find yourself letting go with the hopes of it coming back. Truly let go with no expectations and live your life.
I thrive by the principle of living my life to the fullest! I seek to enjoy every single day that I am alive and at no moment will I press pause on my evolution or my blissful experiences to entertain a connection that seems to be holding me back. Doing so would be unloving, self-abasing, and disrespectful to myself!
So, when a connection exhibits at least 3/5 of the above characteristics, then I know I am 100% missing out on all the great things that life has to offer and I need to move forward to attract others who are more in sync with my vibe, because as they say, your VIBE attracts your TRIBE.
With your tribe, you won’t ever have to beg or remind people to value or respect the union they have with you, because they will already know your worth from the gate and won’t ever jeopardize that connection since they hold you near and dear to their heart.
So, go where you are VALUED, respected, and desired. Never settle for low quality connections, because low quality connections will ALWAYS bring you low quality experiences.
If you find this content to be helpful…