Alright Flowerchild777 Fam, I know today is not Truthful Thursday, but I had to bring this to the blog today, because it was on my mind heavy.

In a previous post entitled The #1 Secret to How to Stop being a Workaholic : Workaholic support, I describe how being a workaholic has become socially acceptable. Society promotes being a hustler and working more than is necessary for financial stability as a token of success. However, it is just another form of avoiding healing also known as avoidance coping.

Well, I’ve also realized that avoidance coping can sneak up in other ways in our lives as well. Dodging healing and staying stagnant in an unhealed space looks like a person being selfish/stubborn while covered with a blanket of victimhood. This victimhood mentality is their ticket to being an overall inconsiderate, overtly offensive, and narcissistic  person.

Just so that you’re clear on what I mean by victimhood in this post, here’s a description I love from an article by Scott Barry Kaufman on ScientificAmerican.com.

Rahav Gabay and her colleagues define this tendency for interpersonal victimhood as “an ongoing feeling that the self is a victim, which is generalized across many kinds of relationships. As a result, victimization becomes a central part of the individual’s identity.” Those who have a perpetual victimhood mindset tend to have an “external locus of control”; they believe that one’s life is entirely under the control of forces outside one’s self, such as fate, luck or the mercy of other people.

Based on clinical observations and research, the researchers found that the tendency for interpersonal victimhood consists of four main dimensions: (a) constantly seeking recognition for one’s victimhood, (b) moral elitism, (c) lack of empathy for the pain and suffering of others, and (d) frequently ruminating about past victimization.

Unraveling the Mindset of Victimhood

The U.S. culture thrives on victimhood. Oh yes, there are billion dollar industries within the U.S. that literally prosper on victimhood;  different sectors of religion and spirituality and the pharmaceutical industry just to name a few.

The state of victimhood has been so protected in this country, it’s no wonder why it’s often difficult for people to desire HEALING. Why heal when there seems to be so many social accolades to being a victim?

If you feel that victimhood is just a figment of someone’s imagination, then no worries. I have listed below 7 telltale signs that victimhood may be leading your life or someone you may know. Afterwards, you will recognize if it’s time to press pause, stop running from the task of resolving your pain, and H.E.A.L. (Halt Everything and Listen to Your Spirit).

1. You can recall hurtful traumatic experiences from 30+ years ago as if it happened yesterday.

Every discussion with a loved one turns into a session of you re-membering and reassembling the past. You can recall almost everything about that incident; the weather, the shoes you had on that day, the time of day, etc. You remember hurtful experiences from your childhood in such a profound way, it makes others wonder if you actually had a journal when you were just 2 years of age!

You lack sympathy or empathy for those who have similar life experiences as you.

You know what it feels like to be abused, abandoned, neglected, etc. You are still living with the scars from those hurtful incidents, but somehow you have no sympathy to give to others who are in the same position as you once were. You describe their suicide attempts as “a way to get attention.” You’re in a way envious of their attempts to get attention, because you somehow feel YOUR traumatic experiences are MUCH GREATER and more relevant than their experiences. YOU become angry when people dismiss your pain, but you somehow find it easy to dismiss others’ pain.

3. You ONLY have negative recollections of others.

You keep receipts of what others have done so that you can hold them hostage to you as if they owe you something. You won’t cut ties to allow them to become better versions of themselves. You want to be apart of their life to remind them of their “trespasses” and your only mission is to see them suffer.

However, you aren’t willing to point out YOUR offenses to others. You don’t recognize how your behavior is toxic to the environment. You have created this aura of extreme righteousness behind your wall of victimhood. You have done no wrong ever in life in your eyes. Everyone else just needs to get over the things that you have done to them. But everything that a person has done to you…Oh, that’s different. From the smallest offense to the largest offense, they should be reminded every chance you get!

4. You only share negative experiences with others to shine a light on your victimhood, but rarely offer solutions to how you overcame those struggles.

Sharing experiences from the past with others can be extremely effective when used in the right way. There are many forms of advocacy that are crucial to human evolution, because people share their stories to bring awareness to atrocities to save someone else from experiencing the same thing. There are also counselors who use their past experiences to give hope to others that their battles can be overcome; they offer solutions to the person they are sharing those details with.

However, sharing hurtful experiences just to paint oneself as a perpetual victim is unproductive.

5. If you use hurtful experiences in a repetitive manner in order to gain attention or sympathy from others, but you hardly ever extend sympathy TO others.

This type of mentality promotes selfishness. It’s a way of saying your painful experiences are more important than anyone else’s experiences. You have been so self-centered and solely focused on your traumas, you have become blinded to others’ hurt.

Every single human being on the planet has experienced some form of hurt AND has contributed to someone else’s hurt even if it is unconsciously. We all have it within us to hurt someone else. When you accept this understanding about life, it’s much easier to extend sympathy to others. You’re able to see through different lenses.

When a person has a grandiose expectation that everyone must acknowledge their hurt, but they lack the ability to do the same for others, they are most likely using victimhood for control, superiority, and as an immature tool to protect oneself from more hurtful experiences.

Research shows that people who have just been wronged or who are reminded of a time when they were wronged feel entitled to behave aggressively and selfishly, ignoring the suffering of others and taking more for themselves while leaving less to others. Emily Zitek and her colleagues suggest that such individuals may feel as though they have suffered enough so they no longer feel obligated to care about the pain and suffering of others. As a result, they pass up opportunities to help those perceived to be in their outgroup.

Unraveling the Mindset of Victimhood

6. You use your past experiences to make excuses for your behavior.

Victimhood is a crippling disease that inhibits life progression. It keeps a person stuck in toxic cycles of self-inflicted abuse. Anytime a person uses their trauma to justify their harmful behavior, they deny themselves the opportunity to heal and thrive! It’s much easier to crawl up under that victimhood blanket and never take accountability for one’s actions.

However, this type of attitude won’t get a person far in life at all. They will continue to attract hurtful experiences. They will continue to push away loved ones until they find themselves in a lonely space and then their quality of life gets flushed down the drain from that point and onward.   Love covers all, but love itself won’t keep healthy people around toxic behavior. Loved ones would rather leave, preserve their own sanity, and send love from afar than to stick around and collect all of the hurtful baggage and sit in misery alongside their relative who is struggling to heal.

7. You have an overall salty attitude.

You find it hard to be sweet to others. The little sweetness that you do offer is coupled with bitterness, and people can sense that it’s disingenuous. Your aura gives off a very sour, salty, pungent/prickly vibe.

Christian faith believers, I know the bible says you are the salt of the Earth, but I’m very sure it was talking about being a PRESERVATIVE. The attitudes of some Christian followers are inversely SPOILING the environment. It’s doing more harm than good.

The scriptural text says that God is (agápē), which means love and goodwill. It says that if you don’t have love and goodwill in your heart, then the love of the Father is not in you. People will see your heart before you even have an opportunity to share anything else with them. It’s impossible to be of charity and have all of that poison in your energy at the same time. It won’t work.

HURT and love cannot occupy the same space in your heart. The energies will be at war with one another.

How do I know? Because I’ve tried. I’ve tried to hold on tight to the traumatic experiences to grant myself the RITE and PRIVILEGE to be angry and verbally abusive. And it only lasted a short period once I realized my body was taking a major hit from it. I suffered from severe anxiety, heart palpitations, insomnia, headaches, etc. All of that pain brewing in me manifested physical illnesses and the doctors couldn’t do a thing for me. I only had rest once I released the desire to punish someone for their offense against me and decided to FORGIVE and work on healing the wound.

A broken heart will only bleed on others.

It has no function. It will only cause heart disease and illness. Hurt people hurt people. Healed people HEAL people. And that’s because their hearts are mended, fully operational, and able to strengthen not only their own bodies but the electromagnetic frequencies radiating from their heart space touches others’ hearts and minds as well. A healed heart is like a love song! It remedies pain.

Noone said that healing hurt is suppose to be an easy task. There’s no quick fixes or magical solutions. You have to CHOOSE healing instead of choosing suffering. You have to desire to live a life of harmony and peace. And with each passing day, you get stronger.

You have to TRUST the journey and not fight against it. Remove yourself from people, places, and things and put your healing as a priority. Allow yourself to be open, honest, and accessible. Allow the healing to reach those difficult places and don’t be afraid to ask for help from a professional when things become too much to process.

I hope this has helped at least 1 person. If you find it difficult to lead an overall positive and impactful life, then it’s a sign that you need to go and heal those internal wounds. It won’t get any better with avoidance coping; denial, drinking, partying, or overworking yourself. Doctors can write you a prescription for a pill that offers temporary relief, but that deep healing (that inner work) offers restoration, changed behavior, renewing of your mind, long-lasting good health, and BLISS.

If you’re struggling with healing, you have an inability to express agape or unconditional love to others, and feel you maybe have some residual H.U.R.T. (Harboring Unresolved and Residual Trauma) within your being, check out this blog post below and see if it helps you any.

How to transcend H.U.R.T. to radiate unconditional love..

Go within and eradicate those cancers for good. Heal so that you can start attracting some positive experiences into your life and you’ll be more of sustenance to the world, your family, or anyone who comes in contact with you. Don’t allow the darkness to overcome your brilliance. Shine your light into the world and be an effective impact.
🙏💜💜💜💜