Struggle love has been so widely accepted. Why not commit to HEALING in Love? Let’s talk about it!

Struggle love meaning

Struggle love is defined as the kind of love that involves a person having to experience turmoil and dysfunction before they are finally valued and honored, usually 10 to 15 years into the relationship.

In the African-American culture, struggle love has been seen as the ‘norm’, for the most part, for a very long time. The woman is deemed as “strong” due to her relentless dedication to a stressful relationship.

Why do some women accept struggle love?

The straightforward answer is…lack of self-respect, lack of self-love, lack of self-worth, etc. Now, this is the struggle love as defined above, because EVERY relationship has struggles. But to accept someone and their toxic ways for the sake of being in a relationship, that is due to some form of deficiency within.

And that’s no fault of our own. As I stated previously, African-American women are somewhat coached into this idea of struggle love as the normal mode of operation in our culture. Some of us witnessed our grandmothers remain in hurtful marriages, but as long as they stayed together for 40+ years, then it was a win!

Most brown skin girls born between the 80s and 90s grew up without a father present in the home. So, to break this fatherless cycle, sometimes women remain in toxic partnerships so their children can have something they didn’t have as little girls.

Another possible reason why some accept struggle love is because of familiarity. When a person is reared in a dysfunctional, chaotic household, struggling is the formality. Being reared in a household where the parents argued consistently can make a child believe turmoil is normal and healthy. If a relationship is peaceful and harmonic, that could spell danger for someone who has not experienced love in a healed way.

My passion for turning struggle love into healed love

My passion derives from my belief that love doesn’t have to hurt or go through severe distress in order for a soulmate connection to be proven. Testing someone’s dedication to a relationship in a toxic way is unnecessary once we are in perfect alignment with ourselves and with the frequency of unconditional love.

Struggle love is birthed from confusion, insecurities, immaturity, and misunderstanding of what a healthy love connection truly is. Struggle love is immature, because the masculine energy and feminine energy have not yet learned HOW to balance one another. Therefore, there’s constant battles and misunderstandings, similar to the popular movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith.

This post serves as a tool to help gain clarity on how we can transform struggle love into healed love.

Struggle love


Something happened to me the other day when I heard this song below while cruising in my vehicle. I automatically knew it was Robin Thicke because of his signature melodic and smooth voice. But, it was something about this rhythm that made my soul twinkle. I couldn’t get enough of it!

I was disappointed when the song slowly started to mellow out. I wanted them to play it a little while longer on the radio, because I connected with this familiar energy. It was the first thing I thought about when I awakened the next day.

Upon listening to the first note, my spirit felt so overjoyed and elated! And it was to the point I had to put this song on repeat and bathe in its energy.

“Turn a boy into a good man
Make a queen feel like a princess
One kiss at the perfect moment
Bruises start to heal”

-Robin Thicke, “That’s What Love Can Do”

What this melody really symbolized to me is the love that I wish every person on this planet could experience. But, I understand that unconditional love is a frequency that many won’t get a chance to experience in their lifetime. Many people carry layers upon layers of H.U.R.T. and can only return hurt to others instead of love.

In a previous post, I described my acronym for hurt.

Unresolved and

How To Transcend H.U.R.T. To Radiate Unconditional Love

Unhealed Inner Child Wounds

I have found that many of us cannot genuinely muster up the strength to love others unconditionally, because we have not mastered this skill with ourselves first.

Due to unhealed inner child wounds that were inflicted by caregivers, family members, or peers, some of us have grown on the surface…our bodies have stretched out…we appear as adults, but inside of these bodies are battered children.

I Dont Want A Broken Heart

The inner child is no longer vibrant, vivacious, imaginative, and brave! Instead, the inner child is wounded…curled into a fetal position still experiencing rejection, neglect, physical and emotional abuse, and every other hurtful thing from conditional individuals in their environment and from their own self, even.

That inner child cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and feels as if there is no hope. It is looking to be saved, but often times pushes away unconditional love that comes to lend a helping hand, because the energy feels foreign.

Struggle Love familiarity inhibits Unconditional love

Some of us attract more hurt to ourselves from a space of internal suffering and familiarity with pain…it’s the only thing that feels “right.”

Adults, as well as children, may develop strong emotional ties with people who intermittently harass, beat, and threaten them. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love.

– National Library of Medicine

But, when you decide to love yourself unconditionally and peel off any layer of material that is contrary to this unconditional love energy, you will see your scars beginning to heal PERMANENTLY. You will in return attract unconditionally loving acquaintances to you AND you will begin to see just how natural it will be for you to extend love from your open/properly-functioning heart space to others without any expectations or inward agendas.

Love heals All

We always hear “love heals all” or “love always wins.” But for those who have only experienced conditional love with restrictions, ultimatums, guidelines, expectations, “be this so I can show you love or else..” maybe the phrase, “love heals all” does not make sense.

Well, let’s look at what healing actually means to get an idea of the type of LOVE that initiates healing.

  • to make free from injury or disease : to make SOUND or whole.
  • to make well again : to RESTORE to health.
  • to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome.
  • to restore to original purity or integrity.


  • prosperity, happiness, welfare; preservation, safety.
  • being SOUND.

I have a sneaky suspicion that the love spoken of in this phrase is the frequency of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

From experience, it is the ONLY love that has unfailing results. IT is the ONLY love that WINS. It is the only love that feels pleasing to the soul. It is the ONLY love that touches our core and bring us to restoration of our authentic self.

And if you don’t quite believe that unconditional love is the love that wins and heals, then check out my blog post that breaks down the various definitions of conditional love.

Here’s Why You Have No Clue of What Love Really Is

This “purity” that is described with the energy of unconditional love is not pious. It is in the simplest way a description of how we were as children…unadulterated and free from the contamination of others’ fears, traumas, be-LIE-fs, and ideas of disunion.

This melody by Robin Thicke is a representation of that unconditional love frequency. It’s soft, nurturing, gentle, easy-going, paciente…, non-disruptive, harmonizing…

Unconditional love is like an inaudible frequency that can only be felt through our souls. It resonates with a person and helps them to feel secure, WHOLE, balanced, and overall in good health (mentally, physically, spiritually).

Notice that a synonym of being healthy is BEING SOUND! I know you’re probably thinking about being of “sound mind.” But, let’s just say this is equivalent to actually embodying sound, or a frequency of ONENESS.

Let’s just say being sound or healthy means to resonate in an unfading energy of unconditional love.

Sound means in good condition; not damaged, injured, or diseased.

In essence, sound is flawless and intuitively fine-tuned! Right?! Sound…unconditional love..”keeps no record of wrongs”…it is perfect as is….it needs no instructions…it just flows.

When an artist produces their best musical work, they do not look to seek approval from A&Rs or external influences. They produce the melody that they innately sense is truth…they are in unison with the SOUND. Sound is truth….unconditional love is truth…unconditional love is perfect and true!

And so as listeners, when we feel it, we just KNOW that it is the IT that we need and desire. When we are in this space of unconditional love, we do not have TIME or SPACE to reflect on offenses or hurt. When we are in this energy, time does not even exist! We are only focused on that deep resonance of pure LOVE energy.

Sound used for healing

We know that it is common for us to play happy music (sounds) to put us in a good mood or to put as at ease. It turns out there are actually studies that support sound is used to heal.

“Using sound in these ways, it is possible to make profound changes in brainwave patterns and states of consciousness, observable on brainwave mapping equipment (EEG), as well as positive changes in the body, measurable with blood tests, bio-feedback equipment and other sophisticated procedures. We are also able to influence the core balance and functioning of the brain and central nervous system as a whole.”

-Dr. Jeffrey Thompson (Neuroacoustics: The Healing Power of Sound)

The correlation of sound healing and “unconditional love healing” rests in the studies that have also proven that being in love helps to relieve stress.

An embrace can help to keep tension away. That is…a hug from someone whose heart is vibrating on an energy of freely sharing their love. Not one of those side unfamiliar, non-trusting hugs…no..a strong, loving embrace.

The love and bonding hormone, oxytocin, helps to decrease inflammation in the body and improves your immune system!

Oxytocin is naturally produced in our hypothalamus and is equivalent to 30 mg of the prescription oxycodone or morphine! So I guess you could say that LOVE should help to ease pain! I think it can be even more potent and beneficial when you already LOVE yourself unconditionally and the love from an unconditionally loving partner is an extra-added DOSE of pleasure!!

I guess Charlie Wilson really did know what he was saying when he sang the words, “Being in love is good for your health.” Being in the energy of unconditional love helps our soul to dance and vibrate on a frequency of nonrestrictive oneness with EVERYTHING..

Conditional versus Unconditional Love

The love that HEALS is not aggressive, forceful, possessive, jealous, envious, unbearable, obligatory, exhausting, and does not include punishment. These are all ill-fruits of CONDITIONAL love and it makes us harbor emotions of guilt, frustration, anger…it makes us feel low, unworthy, undeserving, undesirable, controlled, fearful, etc. It keeps us in a state of disconnection with ourselves and with others.

Unconditional love, on the other hand, feels FREE…it’s liberating and it’s not a temporary euphoria. It’s infinite. And you will only discover it once you have made the choice to love and accept all of yourself.

Hurt people continue to hurt people. Healed people heal people.

The saying is that “Hurt people hurt people.” What would our world look like if we each made the conscious choice to heal and break the perpetual cycle of hatred of ourselves, which leads to hatred of others?

I always say, What would our world look like if healed, unconditionally loving people loved other healed, unconditionally loving people? And I think this song, “That’s What Love Can Do,” helped me to answer my own question. It’s verification that unconditional love can not only heal our own hurts, but it can help to heal others as well. And it can most definitely help to restore the earth body.

Let’s get back to love! Let us change the acceptance of struggle love into the dedication to HEAL so that we can enjoy healed, unconditional love.

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