As we all know, the month of June has many universally-recognized celebrations. There’s Father’s Day, Pride Month, Juneteenth, as well as personal birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
All of these celebrations are joyous events! It’s all about the celebration of milestones and/or the recognition of influential human beings.
But sometimes these celebrations trigger people on various levels. People become bothered, judgmental, and sometimes even angry because that celebration is one that they do not support or agree with wholeheartedly.
Let’s use the LGBTQ community as an obvious example. Many people turn their nose up because they do not agree with the lifestyle and think that it’s something shameful to celebrate. It’s a sentiment based on opinion and certain religious teachings. But why should this bother a person if they’re not being directly affected by others’ choices?
What about Father’s Day? Innocent celebration recognizing fathers, right? No. For some, it is a dreadful day. Some are resentful and bitter on this day, because they grew up fatherless or their childrens’ father isn’t present in their life.
Many women use this day to boast on how strong they are for being a single Mom or use it as an opportunity to bash absent fathers.
I’ve seen women post on social media that THEY are the father AND mother, completely minimizing the male’s role in the creation of their child! Women get a pass to claim both motherhood and fatherhood, but if a man was to do the same, there would be TREMENDOUS social uproar! I’ve witnessed my father-in-law take care of his children by himself. And not one time did I see anyone tell him “Happy Mother’s Day!”
Why can’t Father’s Day be a celebration honoring those who people choose to honor instead of a day of shining light on single mothers? Why not celebrate the bravery and dedication of a single mother on Mother’s Day?
I think it’s simple…
Because we just can’t let them live their life!
Let’s talk about it!
Let’s get to the bottom of it! Why can’t we just live and let others live? Why aren’t we able to just accept circumstances and go about our merry way? Why can’t we just allow others to have their moment even when we don’t agree with the moment or have negative emotions surrounding the moment? Why does the life decisions of others cause some to become angry or disturbed?
What about you? Do you fit in the category of people who won’t allow others to live thier life?
Try answering the next series of questions as a self-realization tool.
- Do you find yourself extremely bothered or upset by someone else’s life choice?
- Do you become uncomfortable, overly-opinionated, and/or jealous when other people celebrate something that makes them happy?
- Do you feel you have a responsibility to dictate the decisions of others or help steer them towards a more ideal path?
If you answered yes or had a hesitant no to either of those questions, this next part is for you.
- Is that choice causing others physical harm?
- Is it inhumane?
- Does that choice cause you to lose financial stability?
- Does that choice cause you to lose nourishment?
If you can answer NO to these questions, then ask yourself…
What is it about that choice that really bothers you?
You may not truly understand it yourself. And that’s what I’m here for! I’m here to give you a bitter pill. Bitter tastes unpleasant, but it’s great for healing.
I’m here to tell you that your WHY is probably tied to one or multiple reasons below.
⚠️And here’s a trigger warning, because you may get triggered.⚠️
5 Reasons You may be disturbed with someone else’s life choices
- You are confused about who you are. You have not found your purpose in life.
- You are projecting your own insecurities, self-hate, and self-inacceptance, onto others.
- You’re bored. You have no business to tend to, so you have instead created a life that is fueled by discussing the business/affairs of others.
- You are still HURT from something. And until you heal from that, you will continue to hurt other people.
- A family member or someone you had a sacred connection to has decided to live a lifestyle that YOU CAN NO LONGER BENEFIT FROM emotionally and/or financially.
Usually, reasons 1 through 4 are directed towards strangers, but not always. The underlying causes to these reasons are often self-love deficiency, low self-worth, discontentment, and toxic shame.
If you have trouble being loving to yourself, accepting your flaws, have low self-esteem, or are confused about your identity, then these posts can help you to take steps to heal that inner turmoil.
Finding fault with a previous partner or loved one’s choice due to internal struggles
Reasons 4 and 5 are the main underlying factors in close connections and is probably the leading cause of severed relationships. I want to expound on these reasons a little bit more.
Let’s revisit it to let it all soak in.
You’re still hurt from something and/or you do not directly benefit from THEIR choice whatsoever.
Humans are tricky. A lot of times, we pick at surface level issues as reasons for our disapproval for someone else’s choices, but the deeper reason is really because something is being done that either disturbs our inner child or it taps on an inner wound.
You’re disturbed with people celebrating Father’s day, because you didn’t have a present father in your home while growing up. You became sad at the sight of others enjoying their Dad. It made you feel worthless. Why did my Dad not choose me? Your mother may have even added to this idea of your Dad not choosing you by pointing out the fact that he’s in his other childrens’ lives.
To the mother who feels it is logical to label yourself as a father and mother on Father’s Day, allow me to help you understand your plight.
You may be envious of your child’s father for choosing to move on past your relationship in order to start a life with someone else, so you attempt to hurt him by challenging his fatherhood. You feel insecure.
Can you accept that maybe your energies weren’t in alignment with one another? Maybe there was more lust in the connection than love and compatibility? Can you be honest with yourself?
Maybe you two met during challenging times and you shared common inner struggles, but weren’t compatible with balancing one other. You two weren’t the yin and yang force. You didn’t even know each other’s soul. You weren’t soulmates. And that’s okay to admit!
Try not to harbor resentment and anger towards this man for moving on with his life. Stop discussing his shortcomings with the child or children you two share. Focus on being a mother and consoling your child whenever they have questions about their father’s choice to move on. Most importantly, BE HONEST about the role you played in the decision to procreate with this man. He didn’t impregnate you without your consent. Your body accepted the implantation. (And of course I’m only referring to those who actually had a choice in the matter. This does not refer to victims of rape.)
Help your child to understand the good qualities about their Dad that attracted you to him instead of harping on the negative. Give your child the opportunity to have their own opinion of their father without your influence that is based on your disappointment from the connection ending.
This will also allow room for healthy coparenting and may even ease that disappointment you have about you two not being together. Seeing your child’s father enjoy being a father to the one you nurtured in your womb is a WIN Sis! You didn’t lose a thing.
The most loving gift you can give your child is the chance to experience their father in an unbiased manner.
Disagreement with a best friend’s choice to marry
Maybe you’re disappointed your bestie got married, because you can no longer hang out with him or her as you once were able to. No more 3 hour phone calls, because now they do not have as much time for you as they once had.
Maybe you feel their choice to build a family has made their overall lifestyle more “boring” in your opinion, because they no longer find joy with partying and staying out late. They’re not the goofy, spontaneous person that you once knew. So the only LOGICAL explanation to this is their partner has changed them into someone they’re not. They are holding your best friend hostage to that relationship and it’s your job to SAVE THEM!
How about this…
What if their lifestyle, even if it is devoutly religious, is exactly what they desire for their life? What if this significant other incites a side of them that they have newly discovered and they LOVE? What if they find excitement with this slowed down lifestyle?
What if they find comfort with staying in cuddling on the couch with their love instead of being out late partying? What if this new love is causing them to make more mature decisions about life that will set them up for success in life sooner than later?
Look deeper into the issue.
Maybe you’re disturbed because you have an emotional attachment to them that now has to be divvied up with this new person that you feel they JUST met and it’s unfair! So you find something wrong with their significant other in order to justify this inner issue that you have.
This one is an easy fix. Transform your mindset to see that LOVE IS ABUNDANT. There is no scarcity with the energy of unconditional love. There’s enough to wrap around the entire planet.
Your bestie can absolutely love their spouse and love you just the same. Yes, your relationship may have some new boundaries that will take some time and practice to get accustomed to it. But it will only enhance your relationship. This new love brings them joy. And if you truly love them, your desire should be to see them happy, because then they can be an even better bestie to you. Accept their spouse and watch just how the tension and stress within your connection melts away.
Trust me when I say this…
The more you try to convince them that their new love is questionable, suspicious, possibly inauthentic, etc., you can pretty much kiss your relationship goodbye, because their spouse is there to stay! And you will be viewed as a liability instead of an asset. Your connection will become a headache when they constantly feel they have to choose between you or their spouse whom they plan to build a successful life with. While there’s still time to correct your behavior, DO IT before the connection becomes tarnished.
Disagreement with a loved one’s choice to continue their relationship after a hurtful event
Now this one is a tough one.
Being a former domestic violence victim advocate, I would never encourage anyone to remain in an abusive relationship, because the violence could one day cost a life. If you are involved in an abusive partnership, then I encourage you to seek help promptly.
This topic refers more to couples who face extreme hardship due to infidelity, drug addictions, gambling problems, irresponsibility, and whatever else you can think of that is nonviolent.
Maybe your loved one has chosen to continue a relationship with their significant other irregardless of these challenges and your mind just cannot figure out WHY they still love this person!
Maybe the inner disturbance is due to your expectation of what an acceptable union looks like. Maybe their union doesn’t fit into the societal norms. They didn’t begin as ‘the knight in shining armor coming to save their princess’ couple, so it’s unacceptable in your eyes. You feel that your loved one is too good for this person. You believe he or she is wasting their time with this fool when they can easily be with someone better. You know…someone that you can personally handpick, because you know them better than they know their self!
What if you just accepted the fact that they are on a journey that does not have to look like your journey? What if the challenges they face in that relationship are actually in alignment with their soul’s evolution? What if they chose this partner to be their opposite to help them gain life experiences that suit their purpose? What if it’s meant to be unconventional so that barriers are broken in society? Maybe their union serves a purpose beyond your understanding? Can you accept that?
If not, then maybe it’s your own past unresolved hurt from a relationship that’s blinding your view. You fled from that situation and never looked back and now you’re expecting them to do the same thing! You still harbor resentment, unforgiveness, guilt, and shame from that relationship. Their choice to forgive and heal WITH that person is bringing all of that trauma and pain back to your remembrance.
Or on the flipside, maybe you wish in the back of your mind that you would have done the same thing with your ex as they are choosing to do in their relationship. You’re thinking maybe if you would have stayed and sought professional mediation from a counselor, the relationship would have evolved and you would be happy with your now ex. So seeing them happy and evolving is causing you to become jealous, because you never got a chance to experience that. It’s touching on that regret that you feel for not attempting to resolve your past marriage or long-term relationship.
You’re going to have to dig deep to find out what the root cause is. Your loved one has made a choice that they will stand 10 toes down for. Your snarky remarks, gestures of disapproval, or even vibe of inauthentic acceptance will send them quickly in the other direction, especially if they share children with this person.
If you can’t genuinely find it in your heart to accept their choice, then just remove yourself from their space until you’re able to do so, because they WILL remove themselves from your space. They will not place their significant other in an unwelcoming or judgmental environment just to appease you.
Get to the root of the issue soon so that you can extend love and acceptance to the person THEY love and accept.
Disagreement with a loved one’s career choice
Maybe that career a loved one has chosen isn’t the problem. Maybe the real problem is they’ve chosen to move away to another state or country. The distance breaks your heart. So you find flaws with their company affiliation. You show sharp disapproval, because now you can’t just pop up and hug them like you want to.
You’ve created this habit to console that lonely inner child who always found itself deserted or abandoned. So that hug gave you a sense of safety. And now that physical separation is triggering that abandonment pain. It’s uncomfortable and you weren’t prepared to address it.
You have to let it go. Their pursuit of their dreams is their birthright. They are not obligated to nurture your feelings of loneliness. You have to cater to that emotional need. If you continue to make them feel guilty for pursuing their passion, you will only push them away further. They will feel your energy of FEAR and run in the opposite direction.
It is unloving to obligate someone to your emotional needs, especially if it’s asking them to pause their dreams. You’re basically asking them to not pursue something that fulfills their life purpose in order to keep you happy. That’s very selfish. You’re holding them back from a career that could bring them financial stability by making them choose between making sure you’re happy or making sure they’re happy. If you truly loved them, you wouldn’t require that of them.
Instead, heal that inner wound and allow them to pursue their dreams. You are responsible for your own happiness and contentment with life. Once you find your own joy, their dream fulfillment will only add more enjoyment to your connection. Who knows? Maybe this career path that they have chosen will allow you to experience a side of life that you never thought was possible if you don’t tarnish their desire to be around you! Let it go! Heal! Don’t leave a memory in their mind of your unacceptance of their career choice, because I promise you that when they do finally become successful with their dreams, you won’t have a seat at the celebration.
Disagreement with a child’s life choices
I had to save the best for last. This is so common in our world, but it’s often overlooked. It’s uncomfortable to point out parental flaws, because we want to honor our parents. We never want to shine a negative light on some of their traits.
But let’s do it! Change comes from assessing the elephant in the room instead of pretending it doesn’t exist.
As parents, we can become angry with our childrens’ life choices because we BELIEVE their choice is a reflection of us and our parenting.
Oooh, especially if you’re apart of the church ministry honey! You’ve raised your child in the way that they should go so they’d never stray from the WORD. And now as an adult, they did just that.
You’re embarrassed! You’re not benefiting ANY from their choice! You can’t brag about their lifestyle in your little circle. All of that bragging you did of them before gave you some cool points in the community. They were the Honor Roll student with prestigious recognition. They maintained an above-average GPA.
You could brag on their artistic abilities, their athletic skills, their unique talents that helped them to stand out above their peers. All of that finally gained you access to that club you never got a chance to be apart of as a child. As a child, you never fit in. But with your children, you received all the honorable mentions and puffing up and you have created a whole mission around it. Your very breath depends on it.
Unbeknownst to your children, their life choices gave you a HIGH and boosted your self-worth. You were addicted to this rush of euphoria like a drug. So your rage towards them really has nothing to do with them, it’s just messing up your social status in the community, you can no longer get high from the bragging, and additionally, you miss out on that childhood wish fulfillment.
Listen..we are perfectly human. And it’s okay that if, by reading this post, you finally realize your inacceptance, ridicule, sharp disapproval, or strained relationship with a loved one is due to something within you and it actually has NOTHING to do with their life choices.
The first step to healing is acceptance. Take a deep breath and relax. Don’t beat yourself up for it. The greatest thing is that you recognize the problem was never them. Forgive yourself. Accept that you made a misjudgment and actually apologize to that person.
Free them from the pain that you have caused upon them, causing them to believe that they were doing something wrong, they’re evil, they’re a terrible person, etc. Take accountability for your inner issues. Be vulnerable and give them insight on what was going on with YOU and explain to them why their actions disturbed something within you.
This is where the healing in the connection can begin. Your suffering stops. You can now rest from trying to dismantle their life in order to give you some sort of wish fulfillment and be okay with NOT HAVING YOUR WAY. It’s okay!
Say it with me. I will not have my way in this situation and life will still go on.
Accomplish those wishes, desires, and childhood goals through other means. Realize your children, your bestie, your kin, your childhood friend, your ex-husband…they are not slaves to your wish fulfillment. They are free to make decisions in life for THEIR happiness. And as long as they are content, safe, at peace, exhibiting joy, they are healthy and flourishing, and putting out good energy into the world…there shouldn’t be anything to contest.
I hope this helps at least 1 person as much as it has helped me!
Live your life and allow others to do the same!
Hurt people will continue to hurt people. Healed people heal people.
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