How long will you run from yourself?

Not in a mosque or a temple…

What you are suppressing will show up like a pimple.

Not under a lace front or a wig….

Your silhouette will always sing a different jig.

The crease on your cheek..the twinkle in your eye…the tick in your sway

Tells an unfamiliar story, unalike the one you display.

Not while flying in the air…not under the accessories you wear

Not even the alterations of your hair

Can continue to smother your authentic self…

You know it’s unfair.

Not in a box or a car….not in America or even afar

You will only arrive at a destination to face YOURSELF and all of your scars

How long will you run before you understand

The only way to reconcile is to take the leap while holding your own hand

-Natisha Sconiers-Haynie

A lot of citizens believe that if they can place a person, place, or thing out of sight or out of mind, then they are no longer responsible for dealing with a sensitive part of their life experience.

I see many working 40+ hours a week so that they can keep their mind on money. Keeping their mind busy with labor to escape their own shadow. I see lonely individuals working all types of overtime just to circumvent the reality of being at home alone left to THINK. They believe that they will deteriorate mentally and physically by having to sit in quietude. So they’re scared to be alone because then they will have to deal with themselves like a responsible person is supposed to do.

I’ll use myself for example. I left the United States with an idea that I can avoid the chaos forever and just live amongst nature. But then family events and career opportunities kept calling me back to the states. I was only able to dodge REALITY for a few months. The chaotic lifestyle of the United States is only a reflection of all the dysfunctional family problems present in most homes. But like Tyrese said, “Every time I try to leave something keeps pulling me back me back…”

There are many individuals who truly believe they can do the Heizman on a past event that transpired in their life. Or they can electric slide their way out of dealing with a part of themselves.

Hey, as long as it’s out of sight and out of mind, then it’s all good! Right? I’ll never have to deal with the underlying issue or truth surrounding my identity.

But this is actually not how life works my dear. Some maybe are able to work themselves into the grave and never face their issues. Some may even place props around themselves (disguised as supportive friends) to have that false reassurance that they’re mentally sound. Uploading pictures to social media to silently scream, LOOK AT ME, I’M OKAY!! DO Y’ALL BELIEVE MY ACT?!

But when you are placed in a condition of silence and solitude, those feelings will come to surface. You will look around and it’s just you. What do you do? You quickly scurry to call someone to take your mind off of the present thought. You’re petrified of your own thoughts and your shadow self. Why?

We as humans subconsciously know that we’re dodging ourselves by staying occupied. But I have to give you this bitter pill….you’re only delaying the time that you will have to face that particular issue. When those tactics of worship, business, or even placing burdens on loved ones no longer work, your body will begin to look trodden down. Your eyes will reveal the pain you’re hiding. Your life will be a reflection of you covering up your true feelings to live a lie for approval. From the eyes of those who have already mastered themselves, you will stick out like a sore thumb.

It’s really sad that we have been taught this system of avoidance. I hear stories of people waiting until the last minute after a person has passed away before they finally realized, damn, I shoulda/coulda/woulda….

My Mom lost her biological mother prematurely. My grandmother didn’t even make it to see 70 years of age. I was mad at my grandmother when she passed away for an issue that, to this day, we don’t even know if it was true or not. So instead of me reconciling differences while she was alive, I’m crying over the hospital bed telling her that I love her. And now I’m only left with the good memories to laugh about when I could have been doing that while she was breathing.

This is what being away from the states has taught me. No matter how far away I run from my past, it will always visit me in the form of a dream or a thought. And it is then that I recognize I never dealt with myself head on. I used religion to put a band-aid over my hurt. I used biblical phrases to keep the lie going that I was “a new person” and that the old me was nailed to the cross. No, it never goes away. It’s only concealed. The truth is, we have to deal with our own problems like some responsible and mature human beings. There’s not a magical word that you can repeat to yourself to make it go away. Because guess what, when that person, place or thing resurfaces in your reality, you will soon discover that this is YOUR life lesson that you can not skip out on. Yeah I know in high school we were able to skip class when the teacher required us to do a speech in front of our peers. But when you finally came back, that task was waiting on you to complete. You still had to do make-up assignments. And if you didn’t, you would receive a failing grade for that course.

This is how life works. Keeping yourself busy, repeating quotes, indulging in alcohol or drugs, firmly believing in a deity that takes all of the pain away, will only leave you more damaged than you were in the beginning. Because you’re going to be drowning in your own sea of unresolved issues. You can put CoverGirl and Mac over it. You can put a wig on it. You can put a ring on it! But those issues will be waiting on you whenever you’re ready to deal with it.

“… it is not only you; almost everybody is running as fast as he can from himself. And the problem is you cannot run away from yourself. Wherever you go you will be yourself. The fear is of knowing oneself. It is the greatest fear in the world. Because you have been so immensely condemned by everybody for the smallest things, for the smallest mistakes, which are absolutely human, that you have become afraid of yourself….that idea has sunk very deep into your unconscious that you are not deserving…that you are utterly worthless. Naturally, the best way is to get away from yourself. Everybody is doing it in different ways: somebody is running for money, somebody is running for power, somebody is running for respectability, somebody is running for virtue, saintliness. But if you look deep down, they are not running for anything, they are running FROM.”

-OSHO

There are people who are battling depression, psychological issues from war as veterans…childhood abuse or other traumatic events…many deep dark secrets and problems.

One way that I have found helps me to deal with who I am is by talking with a trusted friend and my partner whom I have chosen to share life with. I am able to lay out the truth to them about my past so that I can have a genuine support system who will only help me to become more of ME…not to pacify or create delusions for me.

But before I could even get to this step, I had to STEP AWAY from anything that was DICTATING to me who or what I had to be. I had to release things that were spoken over me as a child so that I could truly become who I AM and not what I was told to be. Being the youngest daughter of 3, I had a lot of unnecessary pressure put on me to become BETTER THAN my oldest siblings. I was given the golden child crown. So in order to figure out, “Who is Natisha?,” I had to let go of every single title or image of what I was supposed to be. And when I discovered who I really was, I created a new nomenclature for myself that was given BY me and inspired BY me….Indigenous Bohemian Spirit….Flowerchild777.

Then I had to start being honest with myself. What are some things that happened to me as a child? What were some unusual or tough circumstances surrounding my life? What conditions did I grow up in? What memories have I suppressed? All of those things had to come to the forefront. I had to sound off on a drill command like my MTI once did. My problems were symbolic of a squadron, and I had to call them to attention. Then once they were resolved, I could place them at ease.

In this way, I was able to make a note of events that possibly inspired how I am today. I acknowledge my experiences, but AT NO TIME did I make excuses for IT being the catalyst for who I AM. I didn’t have a Dad present in my life as a young girl. I didn’t know love from a father. So I fell into relationships that mirrored an image of zero love. Alright, now that I know I have to love myself more than trying to seek love from another human being, I can begin to heal in that area. The adversity has sculpted me into who I am today. But it does not have power OVER my life. I can accept the lesson instead of using it as an excuse or crutch for my current identity.

I grew up in a single parent home. So a part of my independence and strong will was because I had to fend for myself at a very young age. I cooked my first real meal at the age of 8. I had a job cleaning houses at 12. I got my first W-2 employment at the age of 15. All of these things were inspired by my upbringing. I could easily wear a badge of “woe is me.” But instead, I have used it to make me mentally stronger. It has helped me as an individual to never become complacent and depend on another human being to take care of me. I can look at the struggles from my upbringing as a positive outcome rather than a negative outcome. The adversity has sculpted me into who I am today. But it does not have power OVER my life. I can accept the lesson instead of using it as an excuse or crutch for my current identity.

I was raised in a household in which my mother often times used words that were degrading to my older sisters. No disrespect to her, because I know that we all carry pain from our past into our adult lives. So having children, if we never dealt with our pain, we can begin to hurt them as well and repeat generational cycles. Hurt people hurt people. I remember hearing my mother tell my sister, who was a year older than me, that she was dressing like a “hoe.” She would wear her shirts in a provocative manner and also wear her jeans in a way that accentuated her curves. (She was actually gifted with curves while I was little ol’ skinny mini, LOL) I’ve always had a relaxed vibe as a child. I was never really a girlie girl. But, hearing these words further validated my desire to dress as a tomboy. So I would wear the baggy clothes and layer up as much as I could to keep from being looked at as a hoe. I equated attention from guys as possibility of being a hoe. Looking back at some of my younger pictures, I looked like a little boy with long hair!! LOL! But now that I am older and have a better understanding of how clothing is used to convey an emotion, I am able to be more comfortable in whatever I choose to wear.

However, this psychological imprint that has been left on my mind still follows me to this day. If I wear shorts, I always ask my partner if it’s too “hoe-ish.” I’m so self-conscious of what I wear. But I am slowly getting to an age where I no longer care what anyone thinks. I will express myself how I see fit. And if it’s that much of an eye sore to the person who is overly opinionated, I’ll politely urge them to look in the other direction. I have realized that gender labeled clothing is only based on the designer’s intention while customizing the piece of fabric. But if I choose to wear it in my own way, it becomes my own intentions. Once again, the adversity has sculpted me into who I am today. But it does not have power OVER my life. I can accept the lesson instead of using it as an excuse or crutch for my current identity.

As an adult, I had to examine the aspects about myself that could be tweaked while also identifying things that are just a part of who I was made to be. I have learned that I am an empath. I am very sensitive to the emotions of others. Sometimes all it takes is for me to look at a picture of a person…facial expressions…or the soul in the eyes to see what is going on behind a smile. I can sense pain or unhappiness like a bloodhound’s sense of smell. So because of this, I was designed with the ability to easily and openly express unconditional love!

Throughout the years, I have expressed love in many ways…through sexual contact, a kiss, a hug, a kind word, sending positive energies, being supportive of others’ actions whether I agree with their choices or not, etc. Through this journey of discovery, I have encountered narcissists and vultures who enjoy being able to tear away at that part of me. Because unconditional love, to them, is seen as a weakness. But LOVE is actually one of the strongest emotions that heals all things. And I almost let the negativity get to me and alter who I was made to be. But I had to realize that they were unfamiliar with themselves, so there was no way they could comprehend me. So now I have become very cognizant of who gets to experience that side of me.

All of the above statements was a factor of me figuring out myself. Now that I have completed these puzzle pieces, I can now sit back and have a vivid picture of who “Natisha” is. Natisha likes to be herself under no disguise of a doctrine or foreshadowed image. She’s very chill yet observative and asks the questions that ‘shouldn’t’ be asked. You cannot put her in a box, or she’ll strategically pop the lid open. The moment you think you have her figured out, her spontaneous personality will throw you a curve ball. She is content with the way she was made and lives in the light body as much as in the shadow body. She acknowledges that BOTH are vital to her existence, so they are equally nourished.

I hope that this snippet of my self discovery can serve as encouragement for each individual to figure out who they are OUTSIDE OF doctrines. Just be happy with your uniquenesses and be proud that you are graduating from the pressure of fitting in…now you can be FREE to just BE yourself…STAND OUT.

There has been a tremendous weight lifted off of my chest by simply living my truth to the best of my ability. I no longer live to seek approval. I live for me. And if anyone has a problem with that, they will fall from my circle on their own. I won’t have to force them out of my life. They will become uncomfortable in my presence. And I’m okay with that. Because any person who is comfortable with themselves will be comfortable around me.

So I pose the question to you again….when that out of sight and out of mind mentality no longer works to keep that other side of you suppressed, then what will you do? When it creeps back into your life, will you pray over it? Will you repeat quotes daily until it disappears from your mind? Or will you answer the door and say, have a seat reflection?

Eventually we all have to come to a place of solitude where we have no choice but to deal with ourselves. How will you handle the confusing parts of yourself? Will you continue to put a blanket over it and deny that it exists? Or will you embrace every side of you…accepting it ALL to relish in your truth?

I can only speak for myself. I refuse to be boggled down by others’ idea of who I am suppose to be. The point of it all is I’m no longer pleading with anyone to accept me. I ACCEPT ME. I have taken the leap while holding my own hand. And I feel more free than I have ever been.

A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing.
She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself
and only herself.” -Maya Angelou

Paz…….Amor………..Serenidad….

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